[EricGoedkoop]

From the good folks at Fiddler's Green:

HOW TO FLY A JENNY!

1. Inspection: It is best not to inspect this ship. If you do, you will never get into it.

2. Climbing into the cockpit: Do not attempt to enter the cockpit in the usual way. If you put your weight on the lower wing panel, it will fall off, and besides, your foot will go through the wing, probably breaking your leg. The best way to enter the cockpit is to climb over the tail surfaces and crawl up the turtle back. Be sure to brush the gopher and squirrel nests out of the cockpit. Take care not to cut your hands on the remnants of the windshield.

3. Instruments: After having carefully lowered yourself into the cockpit and groped in vain for the safety belt, take a good look at the instruments, both of them. The one on the right is the tachometer. It doesn't work. The other one is an altimeter, and it functioned perfectly until 1918, when the hands came off. Look at them, for when the engine starts you won't be able to see them because of vibration.

4. Starting the motor: The switch is on the right. It doesn't work because it's not connected. However, it gives a sense of confidence to your mechanic who is pulling the prop through if he can hear the switch click when you say, "Switch Off." If for some reason the motor doesn't start, don't get out to pick up the cut and bleeding mechanic.

5. Warming up: Don't warm up the engine. It will only run a few minutes anyway, and the longer it runs on the ground the less flying time you have. After the throttle is opened, do not expose any portion of your body outside the cockpit. It is no fun having your face slapped by a flying rocker arm, or being peppered with small bits of piston rings, valves, etc. that are continually coming out of the exhaust stacks.

6. The takeoff: The takeoff is in direct defiance of all the laws of nature. If you have a passenger, don't try it.

7. The flight: After you have dodged trees, windmills, and chimneys, you will note a large hole in the left side of the fuselage. This hole is to allow the stick to be moved far enough to make a left turn. Don't try one to the right.

8. The landing: The landing is made in accordance with the laws of gravity. If the landing gear doesn't collapse on the first bounce, don't worry, it will on the second. After you have extricated yourself from the wreckage and helped the spectators put out the fire, light a cigarette, and with a nonchalant shrug walk disdainfully away.

All of which is not to say I don't have a deep and abiding love of the old girl, of course.